Cat Whisperings...

I know, another video.. shut it, its amusing…

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Dooohead sent this to me, at first when i saw the title, I was like ”really?”.  But he said “trust me” and I did, and I do.  This is pretty good…

The Wassup guys, years later. Pretty good.

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To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth  II

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
(You should look up ‘revocation’ in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.  A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘colour,’ ‘favour,’ ‘labour’ and ‘neighbour.’  Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters,  and the suffix ‘-ize’ will be replaced by the suffix ‘-ise.’  Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels.  (look up ‘vocabulary’).
2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ”like’ and ‘you know’ is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S .. English.. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.  The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter ‘u’ and the elimination of  ‘-ize.’
3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists.  The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not quite ready to be independent.  Guns should only be used for shooting grouse.  If you can’t sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist,then you’re not ready to shoot grouse..
5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler.  Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect.  At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.   Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon.  Get used to it.
8. You will learn to make real chips.  Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps.  Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all.  Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of  known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager.  Australian beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer.  They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them.  American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys.  Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters.  Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one’s ears removed  with a cheese grater.
11. You will cease playing American football.  There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer.  Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).. 
12. Further, you will stop playing baseball.  It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America.  Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.  You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the Australians first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
13. You must tell us who killed JFK.  It’s been driving us mad.
14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream)  when in season.

God Save the Queen!

PS:  Only share this with friends who have a good sense of humour (NOT humor)!

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So after all my ranting about bad drivers, I’ve decided to do something about it, to “put my money where my mouth is”… to “walk the walk”…

I’m applying to become a Neighbourhood Pace Car.  Now, from what I understand, there is no real application process, you basically just sign a pledge from and mail it into the Ecology Action Centre and they send you a couple of bumper stickers to place on your car’s bumper (or rear window, etc) (I’ve posted the pictures of the logos to the right).

The pledge is basically just a statement that you will:

• drive the speed limit
• obey pedestrian crossings
• be courteous to other drivers
• pay attention to the road (not your passengers, devices, etc)
• display the pace car logos on your car.

Simple enough eh? Well, if you are interested in stifling the bad driving epidemic, here’s a link to the pledge form.  Fill it out and pass it in at one of the participating locations listed on this page.

I’ll walk the pledge from down to the Purdy’s Wharf location today…

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So, more than a year after the US’s National Do Not Call Registry was put in effect, Canada finally “catches up”.

As of September 30th, 2008, Canadians can register their information with the Government’s DNC Registry, effectively blocking telemarketers from calling you… or so they would have you believe, you see there are some exceptions…

• Telemarketers have 31 days to remove you from their call lists.  You know, because they have to mail your number via China, Russia, Mars before they can manually type it into their list.  Its not like they use computers you know!  Note that since you can’t actually sign up until the 30th of September, and then they don’t actually have to start following the law from that date, and they have 31 days from when they receive the list to implement it, the Government has essentially given them a 31 day grace period…  Nice going.
• There are companies and organizations which are exempt from the list, and can call at will until you ask them otherwise… these companies are:
• Any Charity
• Newspapers looking for subscriptions
• Political Parties, their candidates
• Any company you have had a commercial relationship with in the pas 18 months (such as a carpet cleaning company, etc)
• Market Research Groups conduction research, polls or surveys (since they don’t actually sell you anything, obviously their call at 9pm or during supper isn’t a hassle).

Nice huh?  That covers about 90% of all the telemarketing calls I get.  What the fuck is the use of the Registry???  Michael Geist’s iOptOut.ca is much more useful, or at least I believe I’ve noticed a substantial decrease in the number of telemarketing calls I’ve received since signing up.

Now, even the exempt companies MUST allow you to add your name to their own internal DNC list.  They must also “identify who they are and, upon request, provide you with a fax or telephone number where you can speak to someone about the telemarketing call”.

I’ve sent out an invite to some of my friends and family to remind them to sign up for the national registry, if only to cut out some of the telemarketing calls.  Also, the more people who use the system and find it flawed (why can’t i just check off a “No Charities” option??) and complain, the better.

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